In Hollywood, the car wash has replaced the church house.
Well-defined abs and toned calves are equal to two years at Juilliard.
People won’t eat meat because it doesn’t digest well with cocaine and Ambien.
You can meet your favorite stars in the streets and tell them their movies suck.
The same thirty-two “celebs” desperately gather in the “hottest” dark place and then pretend they’re not there.
Entering the Hollywood city limits immediately qual- ifies you as an expert in all fields of filmmaking, especially writing, directing and acting.
My trainer and my pest control guy can get together and write the next big thing for my pool guy.
A good old-fashioned sex tape pretty much guarantees you a star on Hollywood Boulevard.
You have to be “seen” if you want to be “back.”
Exotic car salesmen have to be nice to everyone, including the dirtiest, most unkempt kid, who usually has the most money.
Growing up is box-office poison.
Hollywood — that great symbol of entertainment located right smack in Canada.
Kevin Smith
“Foreign policy” means knowing someone in Vancouver who can score you good weed when you’re shooting there.
Nobody uses a laptop because it’s too hard to balance a computer on an aspiring actor/actress’ head. Twenty-five percent of the people work in the movie/TV biz; the other seventy-five percent work for TMZ.com.
Every movie that’s ever been made will have been remade by the year 2019.
All it takes to get a flick greenlit is a vigorous handy to a studio head (even the female studio heads). A marketing budget, though? That’ll cost ya.
You don’t get paid ridiculous amounts of money to work in the industry; you’d do that for free. What you get paid ridiculous amounts of money for is accepting the fact that you work in the same industry that never gave an Emmy to The Wire, canceled Arrested Development and produced Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
In about five minutes, Drew Barrymore’s gonna fall in love again. And this time? It’s for real.
People buy the Sunday New York Times for the sole purpose of making sure their names are included in the paid ads, as contractu- ally negotiated. Once this is done, the same people will read In Touch Weekly from cover to cover.
Anal is so ’90s; now it’s all about spinal.
There’s nothing wrong with this town that can’t be fixed in post.
David Spade
The beautiful weather is great for driving to the gym.
If you’re an A-list star, the cops give you one “freebie” murder. After that, you’re just like any other dude.
Even in Hollywood, no one knows what a gaffer does.
People here don’t get excited when they see celebrities. At least, that’s been my experience.
I’ve paid thirty dollars for a hamburger. And it was still “ish.”
In Hollywood, hookers give you head shots.
Everyone voted for Crash to win an Academy Award to relieve the guilt of not having spoken to a black guy in years.
The casting couch is actually more of a futon. At least, in my condo it is.
In Hollywood, stars have to give their agents ten percent of everything they earn. That’s why I never give more than ninety percent when I perform.
If you agree to play golf, somehow that helps charity — I’m not sure how.
The Hollywood sign: made of solid cocaine.
Bill Maher
“Having your vulva waxed” has nothing to do with your car.
In Hollywood, you lawnmower and dishwasher are actual human beings.
When crossing the street, look both ways for Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan.
The Hollywood sign doesn’t really exist. It was all done in photoshop.
Carpooling means being pick up by your limo.
“The hassle of buying a new car” means telling your business manager what color you want.
In Hollywood, you get a gift basket for attending an AA meeting.
That crazy person you see talking to himself on the street is just an agent wearing a Bluetooth earpiece.
No screenplay typed at Starbucks has ever turned into a movie.
The most popular method of losing weight in Los Angeles: moving to the Midwest.
Chris Kattan
In Hollywood, Zen is commonly found either by attending a yoga class, playing golf or buying a tea bag that says Zen on it.
Every four minutes, someone has an original idea for a new reality show that centers on them.
If you don’t have TiVo, then you must be poor.
When beginning a serious relationship, you should only be involved with a movie star/actor, rock star/band member or a good-looking professional athlete.
Masturbating means you’re in a monogamous relationship.
The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on Sunset Boulevard is already considered a historical monument.
Shopping at Whole Foods automatically means you’re environmentally friendly.
“Way down south” is actually Orange County.
If you don’t know how to “text” on your BlackBerry/Treo/cellphone while driving, then you’re just plain stupid.
Drinking a Red Bull means you’re sober.
Rainn Wilson
Take Fountain. When Johnny Carson asked Bette Davis the best way to get into Hollywood, she famously replied, “Take Fountain.” That still holds true today. It’s a zippy route through the West Hollywood traffic morass.
Hollywood is fueled by Diet Coke. It’s like agent crack. Producer meth. Actor speed. On any set or production, there is usually a refrigerator fully stocked; even the The Office is fueled by the insidious, bubbly beverage. Only assis- tants drink Red Bull.
Surprising and true fact: Relatives constantly ask me about the corruption and degradation of show business, and I always let them know that, by far, most of the people I’ve ever worked with have families, and are kind and decent people who are trying to make the world a better place with quality entertain- ment. The douche bags are in the clubs and the gossip magazines and the car dealerships.
Everyone is working on a screenplay. The late, great Spalding Gray once did an experiment where he walked through a grocery store asking everyone how their screenplay was going. Everyone, including the bag boys, responded, “How did you know?”
When on the red carpet, if you’re a character guy, you get a tiny handful of apathetic pictures taken by the bored photographers. When a hot little model- actress walks up, even if no one’s ever heard of her, the press start snapping and barking like rabid dogs: “Hey, Glenda-Jo MacFludderhoff, look over here! Look here!”
“Passion” is the most overused word in Hollywood: “I’m passionate about this _______.” (Insert “script,” “actor,” “project,” “beverage,” “Bolivian walnut.”)
If your lunch gets pushed because of an unforeseen “thing that’s come up,” you are being shown your lower status on the Amway pyramid of Hollywood. Spielberg never gets his lunches pushed.
Some of the most amazing museums in the world are right here, but just ask anyone in the industry if they’ve ever been to the Norton Simon Museum or the Museum of Contemporary Art. Angelenos never go to their cultural institu- tions.
If Steve Carell is doing a “talking head” shot in his office on the set of our show and you can’t find me anywhere, look in his trailer. I may, in fact, be going number two. I don’t go in my own trailer — too stinky. It’s kind of an alpha male thing. Sorry you had to learn about it this way, Steve.
?They always say: “Remember, it’s show business, not show friends.” Well, I say, “Can’t we all just be show friends?”
